Fading, Twisting, but Always in my Head

Last night I was lying awake, unable to sleep. The music to a Moroccan violin song I learned to play in Morocco kept playing over and over in my head, complete with all the embellishments I had never dared to try. I moved my fingers to the music, letting myself remember it, pleased that I could still hear my teacher’s playing in my head. I have the sheet music to that song with me in America. My violin teacher wrote it out and gave it to me as a present at my lesson, telling me it was so “I could remember it always.” Last night, I started to think about those words. Remember it always.

At the time, I wasn’t sure what knowing one song in the Andalusian Moroccan style would do for me for the rest of my life. If there was ever an obsolete skill in America, that must be it. I figured I’d keep it as a memento, but the music would fade. But now I’m not so sure.

Of course it’s about more than a piece of music. My relationship with my violin teacher, who was so kind and patient, who admired me so much, who I admired so much, will stay with me in my head. My friends, the days filled drinking coffee, the sunset walks, all of the moments I never really understood wouldn’t last forever. And now that they’re done, I’m left to marvel at how much I can be changed in such a little time. I only got to have these experiences for one year, but I know now that they will stay with me for the rest of my life, always haunting me with ghosts of private jokes, precious moments, and important lessons.

Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. At least three times a week I dream of leaving Morocco. Sometimes I arrive back home and am still with the people I knew in Morocco. Sometimes I’m lost in the airport. Sometimes I’m explaining in French what I’m doing and where I’m going. I still jump when someone runs up from behind me, a scar left over from a terribly frightening moment last October. I’m not sure these dreams and these scars will ever go away completely.

Morocco keeps changing in my head. Adventure to have, place that I live, people I miss, challenges I faced, doors that it opened- it has been all of that. And for the rest of my life it will continue to cycle- meaning different things each second, hovering on the edge of my consciousness, ready to be dragged to the forefront by some tiny trigger.

This fall, when I start learning Arabic in earnest, Morocco will take on a new dimension. If I get married, if I have kids, Morocco will change again. But it won’t ever go away. Just like my violin teacher asked me too, I will remember it always. All of it that I can, in anyway I can, at any moment I can. The ways Morocco lives on in my heart have the capacity to still change my life. So I’ll let it shine through, I’ll let it keep changing, and I’ll keep giving myself the space to remember.

Regarde-moi qui change

Tags

Change, Exchange, Exchange student, Morocco, Paul Valery, Poetry, Re-entry, Study Abroad, Travel

Beau ciel, vrai ciel, regarde-moi qui change!
Après tant d’orgueil, après tant d’étrange
Oisiveté, mais pleine de pouvoir,
Je m’abandonne à ce brillant espace”

– Paul Valery, Le Cimetière Marin

(Beautiful sky, true sky, look how I change!
After such arrogance, after so much strange
Idleness, strange, yet full of potency,
I am all open to these shining spaces)

I’m on my flight to Paris, heading back to the US. I’ll be spending two nights in Washington, DC for re-entry orientations, and then on to Denver!

It’s impossible to believe that this year is truly over, and in many ways it isn’t. This next year is the other half of my exchange, when I get to bring back what I’ve learned in Morocco, share it with Americans, and let the experience change my life.

Thank you all so much for following my adventures! The blog ends here, but the adventure will never really be over!

Staying Uncomfortable

Tags

Adjustment, Comfort, Coming Home, Culture, Discomfort, Exchange, Exchange student, Growth, Life, Safety, Scared, Study Abroad, Travel, Uncomfortable

In October, I wrote a post on living a full life, one where I step outside of my own comfort and focus on others, to confront the differences that disturbed me rather than race to the end of my year.

Discomfort has stayed with me for the entire year. There has not been a single day when I feel completely comfortable here, although there have been many where my focus is on comfort. Those days about what I want to do, what will make me feel happiest, what will require the least confrontation. I’m ashamed to admit it. There have been other days when I sucked it up and embarked on an adventure, even though I really didn’t want to. Teaching my first English class to adults, going to that first violin lesson, apologizing to a person I’d hurt. Sometimes it was even as simple as sitting in the salon at night instead of in my room. Even that could become a battle. It’s so easy to want to be comfortable.

I’m thrown back to this same idea on comfort as I get ready to leave. Again, I’m forced to confront discomfort, as I say goodbye to people I love and go back to a country I once knew very well, but now won’t quite fit with anymore. The cleanliness, the affluence, the organization, the timeliness, the mechanization of America will be uncomfortable. My relationship with my family and friends will be uncomfortable.

I hate this discomfort. But I still believe that it makes me grow. This year, the most valuable experiences have been the ones that made me feel the most uncomfortable. So I know coming home will be valuable, even if I don’t always look forward to it.

I really want to stay uncomfortable in the US. I don’t want to make peace with the parts of America that disturb me. I don’t want to pretend to be the same person that I was before I left just to avoid feeling uncomfortable. I want to find new, challenging experiences that keep making me uncomfortable.

I recently read an opinion piece in the New York times that talked about the overwhelming preoccupation of colleges with the comfort of students, and how students are “hiding from scary ideas.” Debates over controversial issues are being avoided at colleges around the country for the fear that they would affect the mental safety of students.

Why are we so worried about feeling safe? Learning that reaches our heart can only come when we feel unsafe, uncomfortable; when we step out of what we think and feel and hear another perspective. I don’t want to be safe, I don’t want to be comfortable.

Lonely and on Exchange

Tags

Alone, Exchange, Exchange student, Friends, Friendship, God, Growth, Hard, Learning, Loneliness, Lonely, Relationships, Struggle, Travel

I only feel qualified to write this post after living through the month of May. I don’t mean to be negative by posting this so close to the end of my exchange, or imply that I’ve been terribly lonely for the entire year. The only times I’ve felt lonely have all fallen in the last four weeks. But I’ve learned and grown from this loneliness, so I wanted to share.

Loneliness on exchange sneaks up at the most unexpected times. It rarely hits right when you step off of the plane. Some people are loneliest in September. Some in November, some in January. I was loneliest in May.

When I realized that I was lonely, I was frustrated. Why May? I was supposed to be over the hard parts in May, I was supposed to be floating through happy, busy days. I was supposed to have learned the lessons that I was going to learn this year, and use May to buy presents and drink fruit juice. But such a idyllic month was not to be.

Why was I lonely? I’ve come up with several reasons- my closest friend left Morocco, I wasn’t in school, my daily routine was changing as I prepared to go back to the US, and I was thinking a lot more about home because I was getting ready to go back. No one told me that going home would be this hard before I’d even left Morocco! I don’t think everyone feels this way in the last weeks of their exchange, but I also I also don’t think I’m the only one. I do think that the vast majority of exchange students feel lonely at some point during the year.

Here are the three biggest realities I discovered about loneliness:

1. You can feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by friends. I have many friends here, I have a community of exchange students, of church families, and of my host family. I skype home once a week. I spend time with people who care about me almost every day. But I can still feel lonely, because none of my relationships are perfect. When I idealize my relationships, and start to believe that we’re perfectly in tune and connected, reality tends to show me otherwise. So I feel isolated and lonely.
2. You can’t stop the loneliness, but you can respond to it. Hanging out with more people doesn’t solve the problem. Finding new friends doesn’t fix it. I found that identifying the feeling of loneliness was necessary, but then I had to shift my focus outwards, towards other people. Instead of thinking about how lonely I felt, I could think about how my friends might be feeling, and how I could engage and love them.
3. Loneliness can be a huge reminder that God is the source of my sufficiency. Friendships don’t cut it in that area. When I focus too much on my friendships and not enough on my relationship with God, I tend to get lonely, because I’m out of balance. Even if I don’t have any friends, God is enough. If I’m not living like that’s true, God reminds me!

If you’re lonely and on exchange, I know it’s hard. Force yourself to keep going through the motions of each day, to get outside of the house and explore, alone or with others. Get off of Facebook, where you can idealize other people’s relationships and feel even lonelier. Talk to people face to face instead. The loneliness is temporary, and it’ll leave faster if you find things you love in your host country. Above all, give yourself time, communicate about how you’re feeling, and don’t feel guilty about feeling lonely. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad exchange student!

Capstone Project

Tags

Capstone Project, Culture, Exchange, Exchange student, Moroccan Music, Morocco, Music, Non-Western Music, Project, Research, Website, YES Abroad

One of the elements of my scholarship with YES Abroad is an independent research project on an element of Moroccan culture. I recently finished my research project on Moroccan music; I designed an interactive website to introduce the different styles of Moroccan music. Please check it out, and learn something new about Morocco in the process! I had a wonderful time creating it.

http://musicofmorocco.weebly.com/

The Vulnerability in Saying Goodbye

Tags

End, Exchange, Exchange student, Friendship, Goodbye, Happiness, Morocco, People, Relationships, Study Abroad, Thank you, Vulnerability

Studying abroad means forming relationships. Dozens of them, with classmates, teachers, host families, English students, families at church, and YES Abroad students.

There have been moments when I want to write a blog post about how perfect the YES Abroad group is here and how much I love all of them. There have been moments when I’d like to write about how you should never go on exchange in a group because it’s terrible.

After 9 months of pouring my heart into these relationships, it is excruciating to leave, as though they never happened.

None of these relationships I’ve formed are perfect, and when the cracks show it makes me want to run back to the way things were before I made them. People I talked to every day in December, I never talk to anymore. Relationships I’ve just started to form are being cut off in the bud. And even if I felt that all my relationships were perfect right now, I’d still be leaving them at the end of the year.

I have found that the only way to think about this leaving is to measure my exchange, and my relationships, in moments rather than length. Leaving limits the time I have with the people I’ve met here, but it doesn’t stop me from cherishing the moments of connection, inspiration, and contentment that I’ve had in Morocco.

Late night sleepover talks when I felt understood, and loved for it, lazy afternoons spent at cafes talking about my insecurities like I never have before, discussions during long car rides where I felt safe to express my opinions, and confident that people were listening. Being invited over to other’s houses, and basking in their generosity and hospitality. Feeling cared for, significant, beautiful, noticed, loved, listened to, known.

I wrote in August, before I left: “I’m sure that at the end of the experience I’ll have relationships that’ll always remain in my heart. It’ll be worth traveling across the world to gain them.”

However difficult, convoluted, and imperfect the relationships I’ve formed here have been, they have been worth it, a thousand times over. I have had incredible, heart stopping moments of happiness because of them.

I leave knowing that no matter how hard I hold on, the relationships I’ve formed here will shift. I can no longer call up a member of our YES Abroad group to vent about how terrible my day was. We can’t just meet up in half an hour at AMIDEAST.

But for the time I was given with everyone I met here, I am grateful. To everyone who reached out to me this year, who walked me through my hardest days, who was there when I needed to cry and when I needed to laugh, who showed me the beauty in Morocco when I couldn’t see it, thank you. Thank you a million times over.

Changing the Clock Back to September

Tags

30 Days, Adjustment, America, Departure, Endings, Exchange, Exchange student, Leaving, Morocco, September, Study Abroad

Is it really already time to mention that I’m almost done with my exchange? These days it feels like I just got here, like the year has flown by, and I’m not quite sure where all the time went. I was here for long enough that I convinced myself to put down roots, and to act as though I was never going to leave.

But here it is, the last month, 30 days. Right now, it feels like it’s September again. I’m plagued by the same feelings of discomfort and discombobulation. Sitting on my bed last night, I tried to remember what living in America felt like and found that I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember how I spent my time, or how I felt every day, or what made me happy, sad, or frustrated. I don’t feel like I belong in my old life anymore.

But it’s no longer possible to pretend I’ll live in Morocco forever. My host family keeps bringing up that I have a month left, asking me how I’ll feel, saying how much they’ll miss me, that I can visit them whenever. But I don’t want to talk about leaving. I want to pretend that today was just like Saturday 2 months ago, when I had forever left in Morocco. So, just like in September, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I feel disconnected from Morocco, and even more so from the US.

These days before I leave are so valuable to me. They’re time to revisit memories and to celebrate what I’ve grown to love about Morocco. They’re time to invest and engage with Morocco while I still can. But thinking about returning home is unavoidable; I have to plan out my summer, fill out matriculation forms for college, and sort out my clothes for packing. I’m in limbo again.

The enormity of returning home paradoxically eclipses the intensity of arriving in Morocco. It is a great challenge to step back into a country that used to be so familiar with experiences and growth that others will struggle to understand. In the coming weeks, I’ll be sorting through my responses to my year with the other YES students, with my parents, and here on my blog. I’m excited to share more of what I’ve learned and process how I’ve changed.

These thirty days are going to fly by, but I want to make the most of them!

Final Trips

Tags

Beach, Chefchaouen, El Jadida, Exchange, Exchange student, Mediterranean, Morocco, Ocean, Oualidia, Road Trip, Tetouan, Travel, Trip, Trips

For the past two weekends, I was away from Rabat with the rest of the YES Abroad Crew. These two trips were the last overnight trips I’ll be taking in Morocco this year, which feels crazy. I enjoyed them so much and wanted to share some pictures so you all can see what I’ve been up to.

The first weekend, we traveled to Oualidia and El Jadida, two towns South of Rabat on the Atlantic ocean. The trip was relaxing, and spent mostly on beaches!

In Oualidia, we visited an oyster farm on a lagoon. These are oysters submerged in the lagoon. (Sophia’s Photo)

Tasting the oysters! They were delicious. (Sophia’s Photo)

We took a boat across the lagoon from the oyster farm to the beach. (Sophia’s Photo)

The Portuguese water cistern in El Jadida. It only has 5 cm of water covering the floor now, but it used to be filled to the top of the pillars. (Sophia’s Photo)

The beach in El Jadida. (Sophia’s Photo)

Me with a cannon in the Portuguese city in El Jadida. (Sophia’s Photo)

Then, the next weekend, we headed off to visit Chefchaouen and Tetouan, two cities in the North of Morocco. Both cities are in the Riff mountains, which made me feel like I was at home in Colorado!

At lunch in Chefchaouen.

Mirrors in Chefchaouen

Dyes in Chefchaouen

A street in the Chefchaouen medina

A kitten posing in the Chefchaouen medina. I think it knew it was photogenic.

The Rif mountains surround Chefchaouen. It always makes me feel like I’m home when I’m in the mountains in Morocco.

A colorful store-front in the Chefchaouen Medina.

The view of Chefchaouen from our evening hike up to a Spanish mosque outside of the city

Relaxing and enjoying the view after our “hike” up to the Spanish Mosque

The Spanish Mosque we hiked to.

The whole group relaxing after our morning hike to the mosque.

The Akchour River, which is a half-hour drive away from Chefchaouen. We spent half a day year swimming and relaxing.

A street in Tetouan, a Spanish-style city in the North.

The Spanish Church in Tetouan, where I attended Spanish mass on Sunday morning. 

My first trip to the Mediterranean!

Now back to Rabat, and the final preparations and activities before I head home in June!

Living With a Host Family: A Guide

Tags

Adjustment, Advice, Exchange, Exchange student, Family, host families, host family, Morocco, Study Abroad, Travel

I’ve had three host families this year. Packing, moving, and re-adjusting is far from my favorite process, but it’s taught me lots. From the bottom of my heart, I regret not having had the chance to get super close with one family for the whole year. But instead I got to see three different families, and I learned how to adjust to new families. Here’s what I’ve learned, and what advice I’d give.

Before you arrive:

1. If possible, contact them. If you have a roommate, make sure to both contact them. Ask if you can bring anything from America for them, and introduce yourself.
2. Don’t fantasize about your relationship with them too much. Try not to imagine the long talks you’ll have with your host sister, or the games you’ll play with your host brother. You don’t know them at all, and you don’t know what living with them will be like. Not having expectations will make it easier to adjust.
3. Shop for insightful gifts. Good ones include regional items from your home and food you can only find in the US. Another nice gesture that I did was to make a Shutterfly book introducing me and my family to my new host family. I made 2 copies, in case I switched families, and I wrote it in French. It was nice to sit down with them and show them my life back home on one of the first nights I was there.

When you first arrive:

1. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Questions break the silence, and they help your family feel comfortable. “What do you do for your job?” or “What city are you originally from?” are obvious questions that if you don’t ask at first, you’ll feel awkward asking later.
2. Ask what to call your host parents. I did this immediately with my first family, but not with my second and third. It was very awkward to try to figure out what to call my host mom after three months in her house. Believe me, they notice if you don’t call them anything, and it helps them to feel closer to you if you use a name/title.
3. Ask to help right away, and keep asking. It’s unlikely they’ll let you help the first time you ask. But if you keep asking they’ll eventually let you. Helping around the house helps to integrate you into the family and is good hang-out time.
4. Ask questions about living with them, including but not limited to: “When should I be home at night? Where should I put my laundry? Will I eat dinner at home or take something with me?” Knowing is way better than guessing as you go in this area. I’ve tried it both ways.
5. Use your host family to learn the language! Ask them to teach you, it’ll make you closer.
6. Smile and compliment. If you appear genuinely happy, you’ll make your family happy!

If you have a roommate:

1. Talk about rules/boundaries with each other. For example, my roommate and I agreed that we wouldn’t both be in our room together with the door shut before bedtime. We agreed not to talk in English at the dinner table. We agreed that messy rooms didn’t bother us but that we should make an effort for the family. We agreed (sometimes) on what time to go to bed.
2. Be nice and compromise. Being attentive to what they’d prefer (clean room, early lights-out) will make your relationship stronger.
3. Apologize when you do something wrong or hurt them.
4. Bring them chocolate and be there on their bad days. You are their biggest support system. Even when you get sick of their problems, listen.

When you have problems:

1. Tell them first, if you can. If you can communicate directly it’ll be less offensive, and chances are they’ll listen to you.
2. Give them chances to change. They’ll most likely make the effort.
3. Accept that it’s okay to be really annoyed with certain aspects of your family. Give minor annoyances time before you take further action.

If you have to switch families:

1. I had three families this year, and the switching days were some of the worst days of my exchange. I feel for you.
2. So much of exchange is beyond your control. Sometimes, even if you make an effort to reach out and connect with your family, they won’t reciprocate. You can’t build a relationship alone. It is most likely not your fault if things didn’t work out. Learn from your mistakes but don’t dwell on guilt.
3. Wisest advice I received this year: Moving day is the worst. But it’s like traveling via plane with small children. It’s 12 hours of torture, but it will pass. You will wake up the next day and the ordeal will be over.
4. Switching families doesn’t invalidate your exchange experience. It will limited your ability to form a really deep connection with one family for the whole year. But switching teaches you lessons too, and makes you stronger. Just because you had a negative experience doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable.
5. Give yourself grace with the new family, and time. Make an effort to be close to them, even if you’re afraid they won’t reciprocate.

Introversion and Insecurity

Tags

Exchange, Exchange student, Groups, Growth, Insecurity, Introversion, Introvert, Morocco, People, Quiet, Rabat, Travel

See any people in this picture?

If you’ve ever met me in person, you know I’m a introvert. Rather be reading a book, hates small talk, can spend 5 hours alone in her room kind of introvert. I love to stay busy, but my time at the end of the day alone is essential to my happiness.

Growing up, I embraced my introversion. I usually hate parties, and I wouldn’t want to like them. I speak when I have something to say, and I wouldn’t want to do otherwise.

But when I applied for YES Abroad, I started to become insecure about my personality. The people I met at IPSE (In-Person Selection Event) all seemed so self-assured. They loved sitting in 30-person circles and screaming over each other’s heads. I had to force myself to do my homework in the same room as other people. I’m not shy, but I don’t like large groups. One of my roommates at IPSE commented to me “you don’t like talking to other people, do you?” I thought that was rich, coming from the girl who spent an entire day in our room alone, but I also took her words to heart. What if I couldn’t go on exchange because I liked being alone? Did being an introvert make me a bad exchange student?

I embarked on an existential crisis, where I momentarily hated all extroverts thanks to the book Quiet and told all the members of my YES Abroad group that I was an introvert, so that they wouldn’t expect too much from me. I was honestly scared of “failing” exchange because I was an introvert.

I was told at PDO that I was selected because of my ability to reach out to others and always interact, even when I was sad. My insecure brain responded with “how could I do that as an introvert? When I’m sad, won’t I just want to be alone? Won’t I rather read a book than participate in cultural activities? Won’t I be isolated from the group because I don’t always like to be around people?”

Insecure Sadie was wrong. Introversion is not a handicap, especially on exchange. Just like at home, I’m able to interact with people without a problem in Morocco. I’ve met extroverts here who are less confident then I am with strangers. I have a strong relationship with my host family, and I’m close with the entire YES Abroad group.

But introversion has impacted my year in a few ways:

1. Alone time is so essential to me. Because being in my room before bed at my host family’s house would be considered rude, I have to get creative. Most of the time, that means staying up far later than I would in the US. I say goodnight around 11, and then I stay up until 12:30 or 1, reading alone in my room. It is impossible for me to sleep without that recharging time.
2. I have extra powers of observation. Because I’m not always talking, I get to watch the nuances of how my host family interacts with each other. I’ve learned a lot by listening instead of speaking.
3. Sometimes I have to force myself to say yes to activities when I want to say no. I often think something will be boring or tiring, and then when I do it I end up having fun. So I’ve learned to disregard my feelings about an activity and just say yes.
4. I always enjoy being with smaller groups of people- the entire YES group can still overwhelm me. Groups of four is the perfect maximum, so I just have to be aware of that when I plan my day.
5. It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to spend an afternoon journaling even though other people are spending it in the medina. It doesn’t make me unworthy of being in Morocco.
6. I’ve gotten better at relaxing with other people around. I now actively seek out company for the majority of every day, because I know I can be alone at night.
7. Surprise, over half of our group is introverted! Exchange isn’t confined to one personality type; there are far more important traits to possess to have a successful year.